---
title: Silencing Your Inner Hater
description: "A key to silencing your inner hater may be simpler than you think. What personal growth are you most afraid of? How are you interacting with that fear, and what does it have to teach you? I thought I needed to silence my fear, to make it submit. But what I learned was transformative: I listened to my fear instead. It still teaches me when I quiet myself to listen."
image: https://l3catalystgroup.com/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/012721%20-%20Blog%20Post%20Header%20Image.png
---
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# Silencing Your Inner Hater
by [Dee (Deanna) Rolffs (they/them)](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/author/dee-rolffs)
January 27, 2021
I was petrified to write.
Women's voices can be deemed too shrill, intimidating, loud, bossy, or bitchy. Those narratives seek to silence us, to drain our power and crush our wisdom. Critics are everywhere, even inside our own heads.
For years I fought my inner critic that kept me from writing. I tried to force writing, set better deadlines with strategies, mandate SMART(er) goals, or follow yet another successful writer's methodologies. Maybe then I could live up to a million external expectations. That blocked my inner flow.
Only when I listened to the inner critic, did I begin to understand my fear, and use it to energize instead of freeze me. I sat and listened to it. I wrote down my fears. I took deep, slow breaths. I began to express my truth about what I was learning, and how I was leading. I connected to the brave examples of leadership by my clients; the relevance of their journeys toward transformation motivated me. My deep, messy, fear taught me. It spoke to me, but only when I was quiet enough to listen. I learned that my fear did not rule me.
Instead, I focused on why I wanted to write. My writing manifesto flowed when I listened to myself.
I write
to embrace vulnerability
to learn and grow
for human connection
to help leaders know they aren’t alone
to share struggles, celebrations, lessons, and learning
to get to know myself
as an expression of my light
to be more fully me
as an extension of myself, contributions, my craft
to embrace NO RULES
to express
to thrive.
I did not actually need to silence my inner hater; I listened to it. I learned from it, and it still teaches me when I quiet myself to listen.
Reaching out to my community of colleagues, friends and leaders helped me get un-stuck. Rarely do we tackle significant personal challenges alone. [Malika Amandi](https://www.linkedin.com/in/malika-williams-31a0882b/), Founder of the [Center for Women’s Voice](http://centerforwomensvoice.com/), helped me unpack my fear and find the root cause (hint: perfectionism and looming critics). Malika helped me connect to my why: I write to connect people, grapple with hard things, build community and learn.
When writing from this deep, personal place, I'm like a stumbling, baby foal. I work to listen to my quiet, inner voice that asks hard questions, honors the grey spaces, sees nuance and dissonance. My writing practice is young, but it is fueled by a desire to learn, adapt, change and create space for other leaders to grow.
How are you listening to yourself today? What are your fears telling you about your why? How are you reaching out to your community? How are you living into your wisdom, your voice, your agency? I would love to hear about it.
Fellow leaders and learners, I wish you courage and resilience for the journey.
Peace to you,
What I’m Reading
Regarding Finding My Voice:
1. [Center for Women’s Voice](http://centerforwomensvoice.com/) Malika Amandi, Founder
2. [Yes, Impostor Syndrome Is Real. Here's How to Deal With It](https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/) By Abrigail Abrams in Time.com
3. [How to Overcome Your Fear of Failure](https://hbr.org/2018/12/how-to-overcome-your-fear-of-failure) by Susan Peppercorn in Harvard Business Review
Questions for Consideration
Regarding Finding Your Voice:
1. When is it the most difficult for you to embrace something new?
2. What do you do when you feel afraid? How do you connect to your resilience, to your encouragers?
3. When has overcome your fear been the most rewarding?
4. What do you find most energizing about personal growth? What is the most challenging for you?
5. How are you celebrating you?
Upcoming
Leadership & Learning Topics:
- *Perfectionism Pressure: It Is Killing Your Soul*
- *Journey not a destination: embracing learning and growth*
- *What role do white people have in anti-racism work?*
###### Tags:
[listen,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/listen) [fear,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/fear) [brave,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/brave) [transformation,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/transformation) [listening,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/listening) [peace,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/peace) [leadership,](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/leadership) [quiet](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/tag/quiet)
Post by [Dee (Deanna) Rolffs (they/them)](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/author/dee-rolffs)
January 27, 2021
Dee (Deanna) Rolffs (they/them), Owner & Principal Consultant at L3 Catalyst Group, is a coach, strategist, facilitator, and change agent applying the Process Consulting approach with anti-oppression and liberatory frameworks. Specializing in crisis and change leadership, they support brave and badass leaders and teams illuminate underlying issues, infuse learning, envision a just future, and walk a transformational path forward. Dee is committed to equitable systemic outcomes, healthy humans, and thriving teams. Dee serves on the board of their local Pride Center, is messily learning to practice meditation, and is always up for truth telling about oppression and living life in liberatory joy.
[Follow me on my website](https://l3catalystgroup.com/) [Follow me on Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/L3CatalystGroup) [Follow me on LinkedIn](https://www.linkedin.com/in/deannarolffs/)
### Related Articles
##### [ injustice • February 22, 2023 Speaking Up 2 min read](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/speaking-up)
##### [ retreat • May 19, 2021 Are you afraid? 6 min read](https://l3catalystgroup.com/blog/are-you-afraid)
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