What now?

What now?

The Culture of Independence

Collectively US culture has valued independence. At first glance, this seems a good thing. Aren’t we “liberated?” We are living a reality that shines a glaring light on the dangers of this hyper-focus on independence at the cost of even helping those around us.

This is further exacerbated by the dismissal of community as weakness, and blatant disregard for the variety of circumstances people are in due to the systems of colonization, white supremacy, and patriarchy. 

Recently, I keep hearing the same questions:

• What can I do now?

• What do we do?

• What does leading look like now?

• Why bother?

The answers to those questions are interlinked and largely dependent on each other. The antidote is action-based community. Of course it is not one-dimensional. We, the actual people, are multidimensional and deserving of dignity and basic human rights.

You, I, and We Can Learn

1. Learn About Yourself

Learning who you are as an individual, how you fit into community, and how you fit in the culture at large are key to living as your whole self. This will likely mean unlearning a lot, learning new ways of making sense of things, and acknowledging things that are not only not talked about, but are often denied.

The systems in place thrive on the confusion created by these denials of truth. It takes intentional action, practice, humility, and commitment to learning, discerning, and holding space with dignity to continue to unlearn them. Not for a day, week, or month, but for a lifetime. It takes strength, endurance, love and compassion for yourself and others.

• Listen to yourself. Your body. Your instincts. Your gut reaction. Where do you feel it? What is it telling you? Is it fear? Is it a warning? Is it saying “yes.” If you do not know if you can trust your own instincts, how can you discern truth in what you’re told? 

• Recognize your place in the system. You have either been colonized, benefited from colonization, or both. Colonization is a system and this country (as well as many others) was built on it. Colonization is linked to the ism’s, othering, and white supremacy that have created so much oppression, harm, and death. It is imperative to acknowledge it, learn more, and take action to rise above all that hate and love of power. 

• Learn from others’ mistakes. Do you learn from other’s mistakes and lessons or do you have to make your own mistakes to truly learn and embody the lesson? The former is much less painful. The latter is what we, as a country, are currently experiencing. It is excruciating. On an individual level it may be painful just for yourself and those closely involved, but when magnified in this way it impacts all. Even those who have previously reaped the benefits of a colonized white supremacist nation are feeling various levels of pain.

2. Learn About Those Around You

Hold space for brave conversations that prioritize safety. Discomfort and safety are not interchangeable. We can be uncomfortable and still be safe. It is, in fact, necessary for growth. 

• Know who your people are and who they aren't. If the words they say or actions they take don't keep those in your shared experience community safe, they are not your accomplices, even if they say they are your allies.

• Communities are built upon communication. Sit in conversation with people with whom your bravery is safe. Find your accomplices and lean into them.
  
  

• Listen. Listen to those who aren't safe, to educate yourself. What is true? I am not suggesting you put yourself mentally, physically, or emotionally in danger. I am suggesting you find out in a way that is safe for you, what is being said. Your ability to discern is crucial. You cannot do that when your brain is in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn due to your safety being at risk.

3. Learn About the Community at Large

Knowing who your people are (closer community) is not exclusionary. It is tied to intimacy. A partner or spouse shares and knows our life more intimately than a coworker or acquaintance; being your true self does not equate to sharing all with all.

The community at large includes all. This may be all those in your geographic area or globally. That is a distinction for you to make based on your situation.

You, I, and We Can Lead

1. Lead Yourself

To lead you must know, who you are, what you stand for, and who is against your fullest self being present. 

2. Lead in Community

Leading means being responsible for those you bring along. Whether in your family, friend group, workplace, or volunteer circles, leadership requires balancing strength and flexibility.

• Address unsafe behaviors. In your leadership sphere, if someone demonstrates they are no longer safe, address it, hold them accountable, and act accordingly.

  If someone in a less intimate level of community demonstrates a pattern of allowing others to be safe in their bravery, bring them in closer, hold them accountable, and act accordingly.

• Use shared agreements for safety. The discernment, strength, and flexibility required of a leader are not always easy. The good and bad news is that the group will self-regulate according to the agreed-upon norms, to the extent they trust themselves and your leadership. People, inside and outside of the group you lead, must know that threats to the physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual health of others will not be tolerated, while also knowing they will be safe. Uncomfortable? Yes, but safe. 

• Balance flexibility and rootedness.  Leadership strength is flexible and rooted. The flexibility allows you to respond and not react - your negotiables. The rootedness gives you a firm base - your non-negotiables.

  For example: “I will not bend on basics such as humanity, basic human rights, and dignity for all. I will be flexible in how we get there. My rootedness will not allow for nonsense and distraction. My flexibility will allow for more than one option and multiple paths at once.”

  This is true whether you are leading your life on a path to fullness of self without harming others or leading a whole community. 

You, I, and We Can Take Action

Call a friend. Look up a resource. Take part in your community. Love big. Let there be no mistaking it if you are an accomplice. We do not all need to lead the community, but we do all need to lead our lives in a way that supports all in the community being safe as their true and whole self. Who knows? How you lead your life may raise up a leader.

As for the question of "Why bother?"—I don't know about you, but for me, if I'm destroyed it will not be willingly.

TL;DR (too long, didn't read)

It’s a dumpster fire out there. But we can each do our part to build a culture of love and mutual growth for all.

In rootedness and flexibility,
Susan

Want to learn more?

Susan recommends:

Read: 

• Dr. Resmaa Menakem, Healer, Author, and Founder of Somatic Abolitionism
• What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey.   

Watch: 

• Decolonization Is for Everyone | Nikki Sanchez | TEDxSFU

Listen:

• Not Great...Grand! Action Based Community Conversations Hosted by Susan Clark

Read:

• The Sum of Us by Heather McGhee